Forget losing weight. The best New Year’s resolution is to learn from one’s mistakes. So, as artists and fans of the culture, let’s all vow right here and now that we will not commit these crimes of entertainment in 2009.

#8 “Rihanna Crosses the Street” as News

Granted, it’s been a fairly slow entertainment news year. The Carters wouldn’t let the paps get any good shots of their wedding, J. Lo turned into a housewife, and that damn economy had the nerve to monopolize all the good headlines. While we understand that most bloggers wouldn’t know the first thing about actually leaving their computers to conduct first-hand reporting, your true talent for supplying quick and easy unsubstantiated gossip does not go unappreciated. But, if we see one more picture of Rihanna simply putting her left foot in front of her right…

#7 Soulja Boy

Enough is enough, DeAndre. (We’ve got Wikipedia, too.) You have preoccupied our radios, TVs, and precious online surfing way too much this year. Many grown folks stopped what they were doing to defend you in that Ice-T debacle, but you spat in their faces by defaming Sojourner Truth, Frederick Douglass, and all that is holy in a BET interview. Don’t apologize this time. Just go away.

(Shouts to Toure, though. Between R. Kelly and this fool, he snagged two of the year’s biggest WTF moments.)

#6 Celebrity Couple Names

TomKat? Cute. Brangelina? Tolerable. Chrianna and AshaNelly? Completely ridiculous. Some of these creations sound more like ailments of the joints than actual monikers. (Hand me some of that Ben-Gay, will you? My Jayonce is flaring up.)

#5 Unnecessary Tell-All Books

What’s the best way to tell there’s a recession? When D-list celebrities and their associates start peddling stories of sleeping around as lessons of how they “overcame.”

#4 Commenting “First” on Blogs

If you even think of typing that word, we’re blocking your IP address.

#3 Alter Egos

Ever since Superman hid in plain sight with glasses and a suit, everyone from Garth Brooks to Mary J. has insisted on unleashing their inner Sybils. (Sorry, but T.I. in a hoodie is still just T.I.)

It’s bad enough that Beyonce wants us to believe that she herself is uncomfortable strutting around in a leotard, but Sasha Fierce isn’t. Now, word on the street is that Ciara may whip out CiCi for her upcoming Fantasy Ride, while her pint-sized ex is so desperate for acceptance on the block, he’s taken to beefing with himself.

We get it. Why accept the blame for your bricked record when an imaginary friend is just as capable? If only artists put as much energy into creating good music as they did adopting new personas.

EXHIBIT A: Bow Wow vs. Lil Bow Wow “Anything You Can Do”

But, wait. It gets worse!

EXHIBIT B: Tyrese a.k.a. Black Ty “Alter Ego (Outro)

#2 The Word Swagger

It was good while it lasted, Swag. You’ve been around since the 16^th century, but who would’ve thought ‘08 would be the year that hip-hop discovered you? It seemed like every day brought a new accusation of your being kidnapped (Is Mary jackin’ Keyshia’s swag or is Keyshia swagger jackin’ Mary?”) or another fiery debate over which rapper owed you their success (”T.I.’s got more than Lil Wayne! Chuckle, chuckle. That was a good one.)

We still love you and may even want to hang out in a couple years, but right now it’s time for a break. You don’t want to be the last colloquialism left at the party, do you? Off you go, now. Say what’s up to “bling” for us, and tell “vajayjay” she’s next.

EXHIBIT A: “Swagger Like Puff”

#1 Internet Video Beef

Once upon a time in a land of hip-hop far, far away, MC’s actually took pen to paper and mouth to mic to handle their disputes. Beanie and Jada traded barbs, Jay blasted Prodigy on the Summer Jam screen, and Nas dropped “Ether.” Sure, Hov’s below-the-belt jab “Super Ugly” may have spawned #5 on our list, but still, hip-hop was good.

Now, what do battle thirsty fans get? Craig an’nem playing with their Flip cameras. We’re not sure exactly when talking greasy into a lens replaced real rap, but we want it to stop — now. Look, Murder Mouth and Uncle Gully, there are plenty of acting schools that will let you mean mug into the camera and show off toy guns. Hell, we’ll even spend $8 at the AMC — or at least add you to the Netflix queue — if you actually land a role in a real film. Better yet, try ramping up your buffoonery even higher like Tubesteak (love that name) and make us laugh with you instead of at you.

LMFAO: Tubesteak vs. Aaron McGruder

SMH: J-Hood vs. D-Block

Now, it’s your turn. What trend from 2008 are you praying doesn’t return  on January 1?

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Tags: Ashanti, Beanie Sigel, Beyonce, Bow Wow, Chris Brown, Diddy, Jadakiss, Jay-Z, Keyshia Cole, Lil Wayne, Mary J. Blige, Nas, Nelly, R. Kelly, Rihanna, T.I., Tyrese
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